I shall PASS on “keeping” PASSOVER

i would like to address this whole “keeping passover” malarky that the jews have been perpetuating for centuries.

I kept Passover in grade school, mostly because I wanted to condescend to my peers, continue my role as the token jew, and be able to say things like, “oh no. I can’t have any pizza. I’M KEEPING PASSOVER.”

Thankfully, by 1994, Rugrats was explaining the details of the holiday for me.

Thankfully, by 1994, Rugrats was explaining the details of the holiday for me.

Well that got old in college, and Aesop’s bagels in the Student Union are just too darn EPIC to pass up for a week. sorry Moses.

SO I PROPOSE THIS TO THE MISERABLE JEWS WHO NEVER WANT US TO FORGET OUR WRETCHED PAST: why do we not CELEBRATE on these nights, of all nights? ma nish t’na? is it not ENOUGH, daiyenu, that we spend all other “holidays” reliving the times of troubles of our ancestors?

we should be REJOICING that we DO HAVE TIME TO LEVEN OUR BREAD! so, from now on, when i “keep pesach,” i will EAT ONLY YEAST-INFECTED PRODUCTS!

that’s right. i plan to gorge on bagels, bread, pasta, challah, cake, cookies, and pizza (but i’ll still FOR SURE eat 3 bowls of matzah ball soup a day, no matter the time of year), and enjoy the bread products, because MOSES AND THE SLAVES OF EGYPT COULD NOT!

so long to the self-induced misery that the Judaic people have endured to “remember” the suffering of our ancestors: my ancestors would want me to celebrate, rejoice, and enjoy the time i have to leven my bread. so yum challah, i will EAT UP.

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