Backstory: I was in a CVS and I saw a new product on the shelves that caught my eye in the dry foods aisle. The “NEW!” on the box is likely what drew my attention. What was this? I was certainly familiar with Townhouse crackers, Keebler’s response to competitor Nabisco’s Ritz cracker. So what was this pretzel component? ALAS. Ernest J. Keebler, the head Keebler elf and the FACE of the Keebler treehouse, had solved the common snacker’s dilemma: Pretzels? Or crackers? Fret no more, for Keebler Townhouse Flipsides are here to offer you BOTH IN ONE, SCRUMPTIOUS BITE. Brilliant! Or so I had thought, when half way through the box, I realized a critical flaw in Ernie’s cracker-baking method.
Think of the classic cracker. It is obvious that the elves have baked the crackers on a pan in a massive oven of sorts, and that there is one side of the cracker that was baked touching the pan, and another was facing up. One side is more bulbous, has squar-er pieces of salt, and the other was clearly on the pan. Sometimes this pan-touching side may have darker streaks where it must have touched the oven, and so forth. There is undoubtedly an upwards-facing side, and a pan-touching side to every cracker, and also every pretzel.
Baking the Flipsides is presumably no different, and there is one side to the cracker that faces up, and another that faces down. IF ERNIE THE ELF and his fellow Keebler elf friends have developed the baking technology to combine pretzel with cracker, how have they yet to develop a way to make an equally distributed pretzel-top, pretzel-bottom Flipside cracker?!?! In my frustrations and philosophical questionings, I decided to contact Keebler with my personal inquiry.
I assume Ernie himself was too preoccupied in his treehouse, so he had one of his minions respond two days later…
So there you have it. They seem to have no intention of giving the classic cracker its fair share of top sidedness, and Keebler is going to perpetuate the bigotry of crackerist inequality. Nonetheless, the crackers are CRAZY delicious and I really recommend them as a snacking alternative to the ever-popular and nauseating Cheez-It. End. Rant.